I Got Nothing Left in Me Tonight
by AnonymouslyAddicted
Summary: I was (and still am) in such need for more scenes about Elizabeth getting hurt in Iran (physically and mentally), so that's just me trying to fill in this need.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Madam Secretary. Nor do I own the characters. Or their cuteness.

 **A/N** : Hello Madam Secretary fellow fans! I recently got hooked to the show and I absolutely love Henry and Elizabeth. I'm having so many idea for fanfics in my head, but not enough time. Still, I decided to give it a shot. Hope you'll like it! :)

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 **I Got Nothing Left in Me Tonight**

 _Everything I have written seems like straw by comparison with what I have seen and what has been revealed to me._

 _―_ _Thomas Aquinas_

 _23:33_

Elizabeth looked at her watch and sighed. Yet another long day at the office. Things have been frantic since she got back from Iran and staying at home for just one day was enough for her to gain a pile of paperwork. She was tired and truth was she wasn't feeling all too well. Not that she ever mentioned it to anyone, especially Henry.

She scanned the files still resting on her desk and decided she must stay a while longer, or this paperwork would never end.

"Ma'am", Blake called as he walked into her office to find her deep in some report, "these files will be here in the morning as well. It's late".

She chuckled. "That's exactly the problem. Don't you know some magic trick to make them disappear? I'll be out of here soon, don't worry. Just finishing this one". Blake nodded and closed the door on his way out. He knew better than to try and convince her to go home.

 _01:45_

She quietly closed the door behind her as she entered her house. The lights were out and it was quiet. She was glad not to find Henry in his office waiting for her. With her crazy hours, it always made her feel guilty to know he's not getting as much sleep because of her.

She climbed the stairs and entered their bedroom to find him asleep with a book lying open on his chest, his glasses still on. She smiled at the sight and carefully removed his glasses and closed the book. She kissed his forehead ever-so-lightly, cautious not to wake him, and headed towards the shower.

Later she climbed to bed and scooted closer to him. In his sleep, he pulled her into his embrace and she laid her head on his chest and drifted off to sleep, lulled by the rise and fall of his chest.

 _04:26_

She suddenly awoke, sweat covering her body. She jumped out of bed with the sudden urge to vomit and was right on time at the bathroom. Once she finished emptying her stomach, she slid to the floor, leaning against the bathtub. She sighed, letting out a breath. She closed her eyes, trying to regain control over her heart beats.

 _5:12_

"Elizabeth?" she blinked her eyes to the faint sound of her husband calling her name. "Elizabeth, wake up".

It took her a moment to realize that she fainted at some point. She was finally able to focus on Henry, when she saw how pale and worried he was. "Hey" she whispered softly.

Henry let out a sigh and kissed her forehead. "You scared the hell out of me. What's wrong? You're burning with fever".

"I'm not feeling too well. Haven't been for the last couple of days. But it's nothing, I'm fine".

"Elizabeth, you fainted. You're not fine. What's going on?"

She slowly sat up and Henry sat beside her. "I…" she sighed.

"What? What is it?" Henry pushed. These days it felt like he always had to push her to get anything out of her. Before Iran they talked about everything and she shared every single thing with him. But ever since she got back, it's was like she shut him out.

"Look, I didn't want to worry you, I thought it would pass. But I think my scar is infected. I can't really see it, but it hurts, and then I was nauseated and fainted, so…"

"Turn around, let me see".

She looked at him, her eyes quickly filling with tears. He didn't give it enough thought, but truth was he never saw her scar. She somehow managed to hide it from him, evading whenever he asked about it. He then realized she didn't want him to see it. Why was beyond his understanding and he wanted so badly to ask her. Instead, he wiped her tears and stroked her cheek. Giving her a light nod, he rose and went back to their bedroom to get the phone. "I'm calling a doctor". Elizabeth nodded and gave him a small gratitude smile.

 _8:50_

After pacing the halls of the hospital, Henry finally decided it was a proper hour to call the office. He wasn't surprised when Nadine picked up the phone. She was always the first one there, except for the rare occasions Elizabeth managed to wake up early. That also usually meant she left the office early the day before, something that hasn't happened in a very long time. The problem was that when the phone rang that early in the morning, it was almost always bad news.

"Nadine, hi. It's Henry".

"Dr. McCord, good morning. Is everything alright?" she couldn't shake the concern from her voice. Truth was, she didn't get along with Elizabeth when she first came into the office. It had more to do with the fact that she wasn't _Vincent_ , rather than with Elizabeth herself. But after the dreadful hours of almost losing her in Iran, Nadine came to acknowledge they had more in common than she thought, and she truly cared for her boss.

Henry didn't really know how to answer this question. There were so many things that weren't alright, but he knew that the last thing Elizabeth wanted was for others to know just how badly she has been since returning from Iran. "Yes, um. Elizabeth was not feeling too well last night, so she won't be coming to the office today. She… We're at the hospital, her scar got infected so she needs antibiotics".

"What happened? I thought she was healing well!"

"Yeah, the doctor said that some small pieces of glass are still inside, and this is what's causing the infection. He needs to remove them, but the swelling and the infection must heal before he can do anything more. She's feeling okay though, sleeping at the moment."

Nadine nodded into the phone. Silent agreement to the request Henry never made – no one should bother her, and if anyone asks – she just came down with the flu. The speculations regarding her mental health after the coup were just winding down, and the last thing the state department needed was another spin regarding the Secretary's ability to remain intact.

 _10:17_

"Hey you. Good morning." Henry smiled as she opened her eyes.

"Hey" she offered her own smile, tired. She glanced around the room, only then remembering that she was at the hospital. "What time is it? I have to call the office".

"Already done, don't worry about it. How are you feeling?"

Elizabeth stared at the floor for a moment before finally catching his gaze. There were so many words to answer this question and she was fighting the urge to say everything was okay. Because it wasn't. It wasn't her newly added physical pain that was bothering her. It wasn't even the repeating flashbacks she still had, she was learning how to deal with them, one flashback at a time. What bothered her most, what had her worry to death was how things were with her husband. It's not that she questioned his loyalty, or his love for her. She knew he would always be there beside her. But she could feel them drifting apart and she hated it. It wasn't his fault either. She was the only one to blame. She couldn't open up to him, too afraid he might not like this new shattered woman in front of him. And the scar was just another thing she hated – she had it in her mind that if he ever saw it, he would forever look at her differently. Might even find her less attractive. There were times reason was able to make her realize how stupid all this was. At those times, she wanted to run into his arms and apologize for shutting him out like that. But reason was such a faint voice since she got back, that her own emotions always got the best of her and she quickly immersed back to this awfully familiar zone.

Henry's eyes remained steady and fixated on hers but she could see his mind spiraling, trying to find a way back in. It was just another one of those things she caught him doing ever so often. He used to read her like an open book, and he was clearly still able to do so, which is why he was walking on egg shells. At any other time Henry would've pushed her for answers, and he would've never have agreed to be left in the dark like that.

"I'm better, I guess", she finally managed to reply.

Henry nodded but the worry was written all over his face. He leaned forward and gave her a light kiss on the lips, whispering _I love you_ to her. She placed her hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer for a long, deep kiss. If she was unable to open up to him with words, the least she could do was show him she still needed him. When they broke the kiss, his forehead was leaning against hers. Eyes closed, not a word was said, but Henry knew. And it made her feel bare, suddenly exposed, vulnerable. She moved in the bed, making some room for him. He lied beside her, pulling her to his embrace, soothing with the touch of his arm. He closed his eyes as he felt her quiet tears soaking through his shirt.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** : Thank you all for your reviews! You got me even more excited about writing this story!

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 _"Patience is the companion of wisdom"._

 _–Saint Augustine_

 _12:19, the next day_

She was released from the hospital. After begging and pleading all day, and after promising to listen to the doctor's orders, and not before her doctor received Henry's promise to make sure she takes her meds, the doctor finally agreed to release her.

She hated hospitals. Not that she knew anyone who didn't, but since she became Secretary of State, she hated them even more. She couldn't leave the secure area the hospital assigned to her and the entire place was filled with agents, following her every move. And she looked terrible in those hospital clothes, with her hair all messed up from being in bed all day. It was also inevitable that it was throwing her right back to _Landstuhl_. As if her discomfort with hospitals wasn't enough, she was alone, in a foreign country, after just experiencing the most terrible thing in her life.

 _13:09_

They arrived home and Henry opened the door for her. The house was quiet. The kids were at school and she was relieved. Drained from the meds, the last thing she wanted was to put on her 'everything's okay' face.

"Hey, why don't you go take a shower and I'll make you something to eat?" Henry asked as he placed the keys on the counter.

Elizabeth smiled, nodding. Even after 25 years together, it still surprised her how well he knew her and how little she had to say.

 _13:35_

She came downstairs in her pajama pants and one of Henry's giant sweatshirts. It was the only shirt that wasn't rubbing against her skin. Henry thought she was wearing it all week because it was cozy and somewhat sexy, but he then realized all the other shirts just hurt her.

"Hmm something smells really good in here" she said as she came into the kitchen to find Henry near the stove, cooking. She went over to him and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his back.

He removed the bacon from the pan onto a plate and turned around in her arms to face her. "Fried potatoes, bacon and egg. Your favorite".

"Wow, you really know how to pamper a woman" she leaned forward and gave him a kiss.

Henry smiled. "I think you earned it quite fairly! Now come on, sit down before it gets cold".

She obliged happily and sat down at the table as Henry served her a plate of one of her favorite meals. Fried potatoes, bacon and egg were reserved for one of three occasions: When she was sick; when she was pregnant; when she was feeling blue. So it seemed right that he chose to make this for her now.

They didn't talk as they ate. Usually it didn't feel odd for them to sit in complete silence, but she knew he wanted to ask her so many questions but didn't dare and she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Because truth was, she wasn't sure if she'll be able to answer him, or even what she will answer. But it only frustrated her more. It took her about a week and a panic attack to finally tell Henry what happened in the room back in Iran. Every now and then she would share a few more pieces of the puzzle with him, memories she wanted so badly to erase. But they never really sat down and talked about how it made her feel. It wasn't just the fact that she was feeling utterly guilty. Nor the fact that she was worried about what the future held for her children. It was this fear that paralyzed her, that kept her awake every night, that made her sick to her stomach. She read about PTSD. She probably read too much about it but she was hoping to come across some article that would state that the thing she dreaded the most wasn't true – the chances of staying in any relationship when having PTSD was practically nil.

"Babe, you're a million miles away". Henry finally spoke as he rested his hand on hers.

She smiled. She often lost herself in her thoughts these days.

"Are you tired? Do you want to go to sleep?"

"No, no. I slept too much at the hospital. Do you mind if we just rest on the couch? Or do you have to get some work done?"

"No work. Couch sounds great. I'll clear the dishes and meet you there in a minute" he said and gently stroked her arm.

 _15:48_

After about an hour of watching whatever was on TV, Henry finally got up the courage to speak up. "Babe, can I ask you something?"

She was resting her head against his chest, so she rose to face him. She dreaded that question so much, unable to say anything but nod.

"Am I suffocating you? I mean, do you need me to take a step back while you figure things out?"

Elizabeth's eyes opened widely as she stared at him, shocked.

"I... I didn't mean for it to sound so cold. What I meant was- I feel like you're struggling to open up to me, you're not comfortable around me when it comes to Iran, and I just... I don't want to push you or put any pressure on you. I'm not going anywhere, that's not what I meant. Just, you know, give you the space you need."

Elizabeth wanted to scream and yell that he was crazy, that he was the only thing keeping her going. That if he takes one more step back, there would be nothing left of them. But her tears chocked her and her heart began to beat rapidly as she was starting to feel like the room was closing in on her.

"Hey! Hey, babe! Breathe!" his voice was high, and fear was quickly building. He wasn't present for her previous panic attack; he only met her at the hospital after she was given some medications. It was the first time he ever saw her like that – struggling to catch her breath, unable to do anything but heave. He was stroking her back as she lowered her head, trying hard to remain calm. He hated himself so much at that moment, because he should've known this question would send her right into a panic attack.

It took her a good 20 minutes to catch her breath, but the minute she was able to speak she stared him down, angry. "Have you lost your mind? Really?! Henry, you are... Everything. I can't... I need you". Tears were now sliding down her cheeks and sorrow was showing in her eyes. She understood why he asked what he asked, but still it hurt her so much.

Henry said nothing. Truth was there was nothing to say. He knew what he meant to her, because she meant the same to him, but with everything that was going on with her he just wanted to make sure she knows it is okay to ask for some space. That it's okay if she doesn't feel like talking to him, or reveling anything at all. He stared into her eyes, now shimmering with tears. He couldn't stand the sight of her crying, and he couldn't stand the thought his own words brought her to tears. He moved closer to her, hesitant. But she needed his embrace more than anything so she didn't resist when he pulled her to his embrace, when he kissed her so desperately.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... You are everything to me too. I'm right here, not going anywhere. Not now, not ever" Henry whispered as they broke the kiss.

Elizabeth was sobbing in his arms for hours before she fell asleep crying. She wanted to tell him she was sorry, sorry for building this wall she built between them; sorry for drifting apart from him; sorry she ever went to Iran and brought this terrible thing into their lives.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** : Thank you so so much for your reviews! You're the best! Sorry for taking so long to update this, I've been working 60 hours this week.

I haven't decided if this is the last chapter for this fic, so I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!

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 _"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like"._

 _–Saint Augustine_

17:53

She woke up in their bed, a sharp pain running through her. The room was dark and quiet and she was alone. Henry must've carried her upstairs, she realized. She wanted to get up, but her back hurt so badly, she was unable to stand.

Barely reaching for her phone, she texted him. "SOS".

In a matter of seconds Henry rushed into the room, finding her sitting on the bed, tears in her eyes. "Hey hey baby, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"

"Yes. Henry it hurts so much" she cried.

He went to their bathroom to get her pain medications, and she reluctantly took them. She hated the meds. She hated being sick. But the pain was too much to argue with Henry.

"Please, hold me" she begged. It was such an odd sound for Henry to hear. She never begged anyone for anything. Especially not him. It hurt him to hear just how broken she was, how desperate. She wanted more than anything to return to normal, to how they were before this happened, and he was more than willing to follow her lead, but something was stopping her, something was not allowing her to open up to him completely and it was driving him crazy.

He sat on the bed and pulled her to him, careful not to cause her more pain. She rested her head on his chest, clinging to his shirt and waiting for the meds to kick in. She couldn't help but wish the meds would cure her mental pain as well.

20:01

She woke up again. She hated how she was drifting from sleep to awake these days. As a person who is used to working 12 hours a day, it was depressing her that she was in bed all day doing nothing.

She turned around in their bed to find a note from Henry _"Didn't want to wake you. I'm downstairs if you need me. Love you"_ she smiled, thinking how lucky she is to have him by her side.

She got up and headed downstairs, hearing the sounds of laughter coming from the kitchen. Her children were home, cooking dinner together. "Hey guys" she said as she entered the kitchen.

"Mom!" they all jumped together. They haven't seen her in four days and they were worried sick. They wanted to come visit her at the hospital but Henry decided it was for the best if they didn't. The last thing he wanted was to add some more feelings of guilt to her.

They all gave her a hug and Henry jumped to warn them not to hurt her but she nodded to him, mouthing she was okay.

"Are you hungry? Alison is making chicken chili again" Jason said.

"Yeah, I could eat. It smells great in here".

They had dinner together like a normal family. She listened to their stories about their last days and thanked them for the food they cooked for her. And they were happy to know she was doing fine, even if deep down they all knew she was shattered. After spending hours thinking they might have lost her, Alison and Stevie would accept any version of her, as long as she was there.

Henry was quiet the entire dinner. He was watching his family – how grown his kids were, how everything seemed to be returning to normal. He watched her as she ate and smiled as if nothing was wrong. It was painful, really, because he realized that this was just a momentary flashback from their previous life. They were never going to go back to normal. Even when things will get better, and he was sure that they will, _Iran_ changed her. It changed him, and it changed their children. They all lost something and someone the moment she left the house and went there.

The kids cleared the dishes and left them together. They remained at the table in complete silence, not looking at each other, not touching. It felt so weird to be sitting there like that, as if there was some unspoken tension between them and it was unfamiliar because there was never anything unspoken between them.

She finally rose from her chair, kissing the top of his head. It was too much for her to continue sitting there. "I'm going to bed, are you coming?"

Henry nodded, getting up as well, taking her hand in his and walking upstairs to their bedroom with her. They cuddled together in their bed, the TV was on but none of them was actually watching. They were both too busy with their thoughts to pay attention to anything else.

00:01

She rolled over in her sleep to his side of the bed and woke up because he wasn't there. She sighed. They rarely spent their nights together since she returned, and it almost felt like they were estranged. He was worried about her and she wanted more than anything not to give him any reason to.

She heard the noises of Jason's video game she knew too well. She hated that game – it was violent and loud, but somehow it soothed her to know it was just a game, that the gunfire noises are coming from the TV and not from her mind. And it allowed her, even for just a few moments, to live back in a world where the sounds of gunfire were only in a video game and not ringing in her ears with bullets flying over her head.

She went downstairs to find Henry half-lying on the couch, focused completely on the game that he didn't even hear her. "Hey you. Can't sleep?"

"Babe! Hi! Why are you up? Did the noise wake you?"

"No, no. The empty side of your bed woke me" she said as she sat down beside him.

He turned the game off and sat up straight so he was able to face her. He figured that if she was awake, she might be willing to talk, and he couldn't bear the silence anymore. "Babe, you do know I love you, right? I mean, it's not just something I say as a habit".

Elizabeth found it ridiculous that he had to say it, as if she didn't know. But these days, nothing was certain. "Of course I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. And I love you too, more than anything".

Henry nodded. "So you know I'm not going anywhere? That we are not going to fall apart? That we will survive this, together?"

She heard his words but it took her a minute to understand he has been reading the same articles she was reading. He was well aware of the slim chances their relationship had according to those articles. And he was fully aware of where it sent her mind to. When they started dating she hated how quickly he learned to read her. She was unable to hide anything from him. And even after years at the CIA, trained as an analyst to crack almost anyone, she couldn't hide anything from him. And this was no different. He knew she feared they would separate, that he will have enough of her and leave. He knew she was unable to keep her mind from going to those horrible words saying over and over again that they had no chance. And that's why he had to promise her they're not going to get into those statistics. They never did, and there was no reason to start now. They always had such great relationship, and they survived where others broke.

"Babe?" he said, caressing her cheek, looking to get her attention back.

"Do you promise?"

"Yes. Babe, you're not getting rid of me that easily" he smiled.

Elizabeth nodded but he could see in her eyes she was not convinced, and he was not willing to let that go. Because he knew that if he would be able to get through to her, to convince her that she shouldn't believe everything she reads, then maybe, just maybe, she would open up to him.

He took her hand in his and ran his fingers on the rings on her finger. It's been so long since he gave her those rings, since he said _'I do'_ and promised her forever. But nothing changed. "Babe, don't you remember?"

"I do, of course I do. But…"

"No, no but. Nothing changed. I still love you just as much, if not more. I know we've been through hell recently, and I know it's been a long time ago, but babe you are and always will be the only one in my heart. I love you more than anything in the world and I will never leave you. I meant it when I promised in sickness and in health. I need you to believe me, please".

She looked at him, speechless. She never doubted his love for a second, but she was no longer sure love was enough to hold them together.

"Elizabeth… I need you to understand that no matter what you tell me, I'm not going to think any less of you. I am not a runner, never was. There's nothing you can do that will make me run away".

She was crying by now, quiet sobs that spoke volumes. Every part of her hurt because she wanted so much to devote to his words, to crawl into his arms and forget she ever distanced herself from him. "Henry, what if I never get out of this? What if this is the best it's going to get?"

Henry smiled softly. "It doesn't matter. It's good enough for me because you're here. Babe… I thought I lost you. I know before you left we discussed it, and I knew it was an option but I pushed it to the back of my mind and I didn't want to face it until I got the call saying you're missing and they don't know if you're alive. And I had to be tough for the girls, but I was dying inside. I couldn't bear the thought that I will never get to look into your eyes again, never get to hold you in my arms, never get to tell you I love you. And I know we talked about it, but baby I am not going to marry anyone else if something ever happens to you, because you will always be my wife. No one can replace you, and I don't want anyone to. So you see, knowing you're alive, that was enough for me. I can deal with the rest, as long as you're here".

Elizabeth didn't have the time, or the will, to think this through – he was hurting and breaking too because he almost lost her. And she had to understand it because when he was in Dessert Storm she thought she lost him as well and she felt like her world was coming to an end. And even then, when she knew that if he came back, things would be different, she was willing to have any version of him, as long as he was there. This acknowledgement was slowly sinking in, as she slowly realized that if she keeps on shutting him out, it will be like losing him. Because their entire relationship was based on their communication and their ability to be completely transparent with each other. And if she was unable to do it, what was the point?

She finally nodded and he saw in her eyes something has shifted. It was enough for him, at least for now.

He stood, offering her his hand. "Let's go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day".

She followed him upstairs and in their bedroom she slowly removed her shirt. He was standing behind her, watching her every move. He came closer and was seeing her scar for the first time. He felt such pain in his body, as if he had experienced the wound himself. He couldn't stand the thought of her hurt so badly. He brushed his fingers over her skin and she hissed with pain. He wrapped his hand around her and planted kisses all over her shoulders and her neck.

"I love you Elizabeth. I love you so much".


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N** : I don't think I ever took so long to update a fic. I guess it's mostly because I left this once hanging and I wasn't sure I wanted to continue it. So I totally blame you guys for this – you asked for it! :) I have a feeling that's why this chapter turned out to be so "dark". I was so not intending to go there when I had this story in my head. But then I worked on I Have Died Every Day Waiting For You and it felt like everything I had to say, has been said. Except for all the things I still wanted to say but didn't dare to. Hope you don't mind I took advantage of this story for that. I hope it was worth the wait, I'm sorry for dragging my feet so long. Please, please! Tell me what you think!

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" _You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor"_ _._

 _–Aristotle_

2:45

She was lying on her stomach, trying hard to ignore the unbearable pain that washed through her. Henry was sound asleep next to her, unaware of her suffering. She wanted to wake him, to ask for his help, but she was unable to move, the pain paralyzed her. She was beginning to panic, the feeling that she's unable to move scared her to death and she struggled to make a sound, to reach for Henry's hand. She never felt as helpless as she was at that moment. She was crying silently, every movement consisting of great pain, every breath tearing her down.

Henry rolled over in his sleep to lie on his side, facing her. His hand moved on the mattress, blindly searching for hers. When he finally found her hand, he took ahold of it, drifting back into sleep. She had to regain all power she had left to squeeze his hand tightly, hoping that would wake him up.

He was always aware of his surroundings. After all he was a marine, and he had to learn to sleep with one eye open. When she took the job as Secretary of State, this was the only way he could get some sleep, knowing he'd hear her when she comes home, when she enters their bed. So when he felt her holding his hand so tightly he realized something was wrong. He was still deep in his sleep and he had to force himself to wake up. He rubbed the sleep off his eyes, adjusting to the darkness of the room. The street lights illuminated the room slightly through the curtains, making her tears shine on her cheeks.

"Elizabeth, baby! What's wrong?" he called, but she didn't answer. She was still unable to move, her mouth so dry she couldn't speak. Henry's eyes scanned her, a look of fear spreading on his face. He never saw her like this – mute, scared, still. "Okay, I'm going to call an ambulance. Don't worry, I'm right here with you, it's going to be okay" he whispered, tightening his grip of her hand as he reached for the phone next to him.

11:38

She blinked her eyes, trying to focus her vision. She didn't know where she was or what had happened that brought her there. A face mask covered her mouth, providing her with air; a monitor next to her was making a beeping sound and an oximeter was attached to her finger. She looked around her and could see nothing but the white ceiling above her and she began to stress, making the monitor's sound increase. Henry rested a firm hand on her shoulder and, standing up, met her eyes who were frantically searching for him.

"I'm right here babe, calm down, I'm here with you" he whispered.

She reached for her face mask, wanting to remove it, but he stopped her, resting his hand on hers "No, babe, leave it on".

Her eyes scanned him – he was pale and he looked scared, as if something terrible had happened, and she had to speak, to tell him she was okay. The last thing she remembered was lying in bed, palsied, and she wanted nothing more than to reassure him she was okay now. She removed his hand from hers gently and took the face mask off, breathing the cold air of the room.

"Henry…" she said, her voice barely above a whisper, pain still hovering her body.

"Shh, it's okay. I know" he leaned closer and kissed her softly, providing her with the oxygen she didn't know she was missing.

13:03

"So what happened?" Elizabeth asked once they were finally alone in her room. She wanted to know what happened from the moment she laid her eyes on him when she woke up, but with all the doctors and nurses running around her, making sure she's okay and moving her to her room, they had no time alone, and she knew fare well he wasn't going to cave that easily.

"Nothing, everything's okay" he said, offering a smile.

"Henry, come on, you looked like you've seen a ghost, what happened?" she pushed.

"Babe, really, nothing. I guess I was just worried about you, that's all. You kind of scared me".

She studied him carefully. She knew it was a scare, hell – she freaked out too. But the look on his face when she woke up after her surgery suggested something much worse had happened. Besides, Henry was always the rational one – he knew the minute the ambulance came that it wasn't as serious as it looked. There was no way that hours after her surgery he would still be so worked up about it. The last time she saw him this pale was when she came home from Iran. The time before was when she gave birth to Jason and her and the baby were in distress and she was rushed to the OR for a C-Section.

She reached for his hand and he smiled, his thumb drawing circles on her hand as he held her tight. "Henry, I'm not stupid…"

He sighed. He should've known better than to try and hide something from an ex CIA. "There was a little scare at the OR, one piece of glass tore one your veins and you lost a lot of blood and then your blood pressure dropped and your heart rate slowed down, and…" he took a deep breath, feeling as if someone sucked the oxygen out of the room. He could barely stay standing when the doctor told him what had happened during surgery. "It doesn't matter because you're okay now, and you're here, and it's over". He wanted to offer a smile, to show her he really was okay, but at this point, after almost losing her twice in two months, it was beyond his ability.

She tried to stay strong. She didn't want to cry – he was a complete mess and the last thing he needed was to take care of her. She wanted to reassure him she's going to be okay, that she will never leave. But then again – she did. She took off and left for Iran and almost never came back. And this was an outcome of her leaving. He insisted she wouldn't go; he was trying to give her a way out seconds before she left. He wanted to play the husband card but she didn't let him. It was unfair to him – putting him through this. It was unfair that he almost lost her. Twice. She wanted to promise him she will live forever, that nothing bad will ever happen to her, but it was a promise she knew she had no control over. So she clinged to his own words – to his right here, right now – it was all that really matter and the last thing she ever wanted was spend another minute away from him – away from his touch, from his love, from his presence. So she pulled his hand to her and kissed it softly. And then she asked him to come closer so she could kiss his lips, so he could lie beside her and she could listen to the beatings of his heart.

14:00

"You know, I didn't even feel it when it happened" she said and he sat up, looking at her. It was probably the first time since she came back that she was telling him something about Iran without him having to beg for information. He listened carefully, drinking in her words.

"After the explosion everything happened so fast. I was lying on the floor with Fred on top of me and I was unable to move. It was about 5 minutes before they stopped firing at the house. I don't know if they knew they killed Javani or not, but they left. Maybe his detail fired at them and scared them off, I'm not sure. I was trying to push Fred off of me but I couldn't. Frank was there. He was hurt too but he managed to get up and he pushed Fred off of me. Then it was all frantic – Javani's detail came in and they hurried all of us out of the house and into these old vans that had no windows. Frank wasn't in the van with me and every time I asked about him they just gave me this look and said nothing. I noticed the bruises on my arms while we drove to the bunker, but not the cut on my back. I don't even know – my arms hurt and my shoulder too, but not my back. And then they pushed me into the bunker, they had no time to be gentle, and I was trying to figure out where I was, I was trying to find a way to call home, to let them know I was okay. To let _you_ know. It was then that one of the officers pointed out I'm hurt, and then I suddenly felt it – the pain of the glass cutting through my skin. I reached over to touch it and there was so much blood that I wondered if I had become indifferent to pain. That didn't last too long. The medical officer took me to the side and I had to sit on this chair with my back turned to him. He barely had any supply to treat me. He must've poured an entire bottle of Betadine, and it burned like hell. But it was nothing compared to when he began pulling out pieces of glass. I was sitting there, gripping the chair so tightly I drew blood from my fingernails. And he pulled them one by one, each time it felt like I was being stabbed. I could feel him ripping my skin as the glass came out. I kept hoping, praying, I would lose conscious, faint, anything other than sit there and feel this pain. And then he went to work on my stitches, 16 stitches, and I could feel the needle go in and out every damn time. When he was finally done, I was barely able to stand – I was dizzy and nauseated. He tried to give me something for the pain but I threw it up immediately. It was only the meds they gave me at Landstul that helped ease the pain. And then last night – I was… The pain was probably not as bad as it was in my mind. But in my mind all I could feel was the pulling of glass and the stitches and I was so powerless I couldn't move, let alone speak. And you were right there, I just had to wake you up, but it's like I lost my voice, I tried to say something but nothing came out. Living this pain once was enough for a life time, I couldn't…"

Henry's eyes never left hers. He looked at her as she talked, as she told him the great pain she was in. He wanted so badly to take this away from her – the pain, the memory, all of it. He couldn't even imagine what it was like to go through this, alone, in a foreign country. With no anesthesia. Even in the births of their children she never resisted the Epidural and he was always there to at least hold her hand. But this, this pain that she descried was by far worse than any pain she had ever experienced and he was beginning to feel this pain run through his veins. He wanted to protect her; he wanted to wrap her in his embrace and never let go. He wanted his hands to touch every inch of her body and soothe her. He wanted her to never feel that way again. His lips found hers and he kissed her desperately, hungrily. She struggled, pushing him away as he was taking her breath away. Panting, she reached to wrap her arm around his neck and pulled him closer to her again. Taking in air, when his lips met hers again it was like he was respiring her, giving her a part of him, making sure she knows he will never let her go through this again. She breathed in the air he was providing, the promises he was making, falling so easily into his touch, into his kiss.

He backed away from her for a second and opened his mouth to speak, to say something, anything. But she stopped him, resting her finger on his lips. "Don't" she whispered, "I know". He nodded, closing his eyes as her warm hand touched his face, wiping his tears away. He leaned his forehead against hers and she closed her eyes as well. They said nothing more; there was no use. All they wanted to hear was the sound of their breaths and the beating of their hearts.


End file.
